Sunday, November 7, 2010

Need to breathe.......

I have decided I need a place to vent. To let out my thoughts. A place to talk to someone even though there is no one there to speak to. I have so many thoughts and feelings that go through my head on a daily bases, I have to have an outlet...... well this will be it. I know this is suppose to be a blog about my family and I am sure it will have some posts about our life over the next year however I also feel the need to start a journal to get out how I am feeling......

Some days are hard. Some days I am so overwhelmed I can not even think straight. I miss my husband. I miss my rock. The person in this world that makes me feel like I can take on the world. The person that makes me feel strong and confident and beautiful. I feel so selfish for even crying or complaining about my life. My husband has "lost" everything. His home, his children, his life as he knew it. I can not even imagine what he is going through. To go from sleeping in your warm, king size bed with your wife, to sleeping on a twin size BUNK BED! To have to eat the same breakfast everyday. To live with 60 other guys in a cold, brick building. He said he feels like he is in prison. I could only imagine! He called me the other day and said for once, for once in the last 7 weeks he felt normal because he was sitting at a cafe drinking a mocha....... seriously, I have one everyday. Something so simple, I take for granted everyday, made him for 10 minutes feel like himself. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for our children. Connor can not go an hour without saying how much he misses daddy and wants daddy home. He tells me he is going to wait for daddy to get off the airplane.That he wants to go to the airport and pick up daddy. Last night there was a knock on the door and Connor went running to the door yelling "daddy, daddy." How do you explain to a three year old, that daddy is gone and will not be back till after you turn four...........
The girls get it. It is still hard for them but at least they understand that he is gone and will be gone for a while. They are doing great in school and have had minimal issues at home. We talk about him a lot and try to call as much as we can. It will get harder due to the fact he is leaving Mississippi this week. No more phone, no more internet whenever he wants. We have been lucky enough to have our Blackberry's so we can continue to talk or text throughout the day. That has helped me out a ton!
I feel like I am walking around a zombie. I am so overwhelmed with the day to day stuff of my life. Bills (holy shit, bills!!!!) the house, the kids, school, work, everything! Nothing seems to be easy. I am gone 5 days a week due to school/work and when I am home I am so exhausted and depressed, I have to do things to keep myself busy or I will just sit on the couch all day. I feel like I am mess on the inside, trying to keep it all together on the outside. I have to be strong. I have to continue to function or everything will all fall apart. I try not to let the kids see me cry or stressed but sometimes it is just too hard not too. It has only been 7 weeks........... ugh!
I am not meant to be a wife of a deployed solider........... I am just not strong enough!

1 comment:

  1. You are strong enough, you can do this! He is depending on you to keep it together and stay stong. He picked you for a reason girl! I've seen you go through rough times and I know you are strong enough to get through this. Keep your chin up. Remember the good times you had and think about the ones you will make when he gets home. I love ya girl.

    Marlena

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