3 months

Well we are approaching the 3 month mark........ wow, that's it!?! I feel like I have FINALLY gotten into a routine. I seems like the last couple of weeks have been going a lot smoother. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the fact I am no long in school and just strictly working/internship. I have 7 weeks left of internship and then hopefully I will be a EMT-P!! I am so excited. I have wanted this for sooooo long and have worked very hard over the last year as well as the last 9 years in EMS. It will be a good feeling to finally get this chapter accomplished.

I still have good days and bad days, however it seems like the bad ones are getting fewer and farther between. I get to talk to Ryan everyday. He has set up his iPod so he can text me throughout the day as well.......... wow, life it rough for us huh? :) I joke, but honestly it has helped me out tremendously to be able to hear from him everyday and know that he is safe. Skype-ing has gotten a little easier. It traumatized me for about the first 2 1/2 months. I would always just end up sitting in the dark office, crying as I looked at him. We have discovered we have to have short and sweet goodbyes. No lingering! "I love you to the moon and back, be safe, GOODBYE!" -hangup! I am also looking forward to our vacation in March. I am trying so hard to save money to be able to have an enjoyable vacation but since we have been a bit behind from Ryan taking time off before he left, it seems to be a harder task than I had anticipated. It seems like there is always something that comes up. This bill, or that bill, or some activity for the kids. Oh well, if it happens, it happens, if not I am just so looking forward to seeing him again. To touch his skin, or rub feet at night is something I have missed more that anything. I want my life and my home to feel normal again. There is such a big void missing from our home.

Well let the count down begin....... 87 more days till Floyd is home!!!

Like father, like son......

So it is late and I need to go bed but I am having a rough night..... I went and saw Ryan's dad's band play tonight, The Fabulous Chancellors and can I say, they were quiet fabulous this evening!! It was fun to get dressed up and go out. It is not often I get to wear heels and a nice outfit, so I jumped at the occasion (the free tickets help too!) It was just hard though seeing Ryan's dad. He warms my heart whenever I see him and I am not even sure why. I was emotional to begin with just due to the fact that this would normally be something Ryan and I would go do together. We really enjoy going to his dad's "gigs" and so do the kids. So as I walk in and see Ryan's dad, I lost it. Tears right there in the middle of all these people who have no clue who I am or why the heck I am crying. Crazy lady alert!! It is just hard knowing the love that that man has for his son. A love that I have never seen before. It is more than a father-son type of love. It is a spiritual kind of love that these two men have made over the years. There have been rough times but I believe it has made that bond grow stronger. My husband is his fathers son. He has a love for his children that amazes me, a love that he has learned from his father. It it hard to drudge through day after day without that love in our home. It is hard to have your hero, the person you look up to and cherish, gone and I can see that in my son's eyes. I continue to do my best everyday for our kids but sometimes seeing the person who has made my husband the amazing, wonderful, kind person he is......... reminds me of what I am missing.

Ativan kind of day!

Things wrong with today:

1. Madallyn apparently woke up the wrong side of the bed causing a fight before school. Causing me to be in a wonderful mood to start the day off!

2. My FT babysitter bailed on me. So now I have to find a new sitter for my crazy work schedule!

3. Madison and Connor decided to make a huge mess upstairs and then didn't want to clean it up. They decided it was more fun to play then clean, causing Madison to be late for school. Or then when you tell her to hurry up she just stands there and stares at you like you have a third eye!

4. THE DOG! Ryan's dog to be exact! Is a gigantic PAIN IN THE ASS!! If he is not jumping the fence to tear up the neighbors trash, he is peeing ALL OVER my house, or hiding from me when it is time to go into the kennel so I can leave to go to work! So we now have ourselves a KENNEL DOG! End of story!

5. I have to go paint the parade float for work today and DO NOT have the time to do it!

6. I want a gym membership and do not have a gym membership! I AM SICK OF BEING FAT!!!!!

7. We are still broke and now Ryan doesn't want to go to Disneyland during his leave! How do we break that to the kids who think we are going to Disneyland during his leave?!

It is noon and I am already over this day!!!!!!

Need to breathe.......

I have decided I need a place to vent. To let out my thoughts. A place to talk to someone even though there is no one there to speak to. I have so many thoughts and feelings that go through my head on a daily bases, I have to have an outlet...... well this will be it. I know this is suppose to be a blog about my family and I am sure it will have some posts about our life over the next year however I also feel the need to start a journal to get out how I am feeling......

Some days are hard. Some days I am so overwhelmed I can not even think straight. I miss my husband. I miss my rock. The person in this world that makes me feel like I can take on the world. The person that makes me feel strong and confident and beautiful. I feel so selfish for even crying or complaining about my life. My husband has "lost" everything. His home, his children, his life as he knew it. I can not even imagine what he is going through. To go from sleeping in your warm, king size bed with your wife, to sleeping on a twin size BUNK BED! To have to eat the same breakfast everyday. To live with 60 other guys in a cold, brick building. He said he feels like he is in prison. I could only imagine! He called me the other day and said for once, for once in the last 7 weeks he felt normal because he was sitting at a cafe drinking a mocha....... seriously, I have one everyday. Something so simple, I take for granted everyday, made him for 10 minutes feel like himself. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for our children. Connor can not go an hour without saying how much he misses daddy and wants daddy home. He tells me he is going to wait for daddy to get off the airplane.That he wants to go to the airport and pick up daddy. Last night there was a knock on the door and Connor went running to the door yelling "daddy, daddy." How do you explain to a three year old, that daddy is gone and will not be back till after you turn four...........

The girls get it. It is still hard for them but at least they understand that he is gone and will be gone for a while. They are doing great in school and have had minimal issues at home. We talk about him a lot and try to call as much as we can. It will get harder due to the fact he is leaving Mississippi this week. No more phone, no more internet whenever he wants. We have been lucky enough to have our Blackberry's so we can continue to talk or text throughout the day. That has helped me out a ton!

I feel like I am walking around a zombie. I am so overwhelmed with the day to day stuff of my life. Bills (holy shit, bills!!!!) the house, the kids, school, work, everything! Nothing seems to be easy. I am gone 5 days a week due to school/work and when I am home I am so exhausted and depressed, I have to do things to keep myself busy or I will just sit on the couch all day. I feel like I am mess on the inside, trying to keep it all together on the outside. I have to be strong. I have to continue to function or everything will all fall apart. I try not to let the kids see me cry or stressed but sometimes it is just too hard not too. It has only been 7 weeks........... ugh!

I am not meant to be a wife of a deployed solider........... I am just not strong enough!